Hooded winter jacket with large inside pocket to conceal identity & carry gun:   $65.00

9mm Handgun purchased from Ray-Jay up the block:   $150.00

Failure to master proper weapon retention during your planned armed robbery:  PRICELESS!!!!!

Monkey Joke    Larry The Cable Guy    Bud Lite Clown    Tree Lover

Vibrator Service Call       Conjugal Visit    Hockey Fix    Boston Blizzard

Why Ice Fishing Sucks    Drivers Education

 

A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?" The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you"? The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody5-iron standing over a lifeless man.The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?""Yes" says the woman."Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face."How many times did you hit him?""I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times..... just put me down for a five."

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back hit him in the forehead and killed him. As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer," to which the man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"


The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?
 

 

 A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette
convertible out of the dealership.
 
Taking off down the road,
he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
 
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing
the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
 
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly speedster as he floored it to 100mph,
 then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought,
"What on earth am I doing?
I'm too old for this nonsense!",
pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette,
looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes.
Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

 

PEDRO

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez
the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the
fourth grade,

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who
said 'Give me Liberty, or give me death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I! 'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you
say
anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."



 

 

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde

came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other,

and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied,

"You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and

need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the blonde

a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked

like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He scratched

his head in wonderment and then took her over to another car which had

the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." Now open the photo.


 

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new car for weeks.

He wanted a new truck.  She wanted a fast little sports car. 

He would probably have settled on any truck while all the sports cars she liked were way out of their price range.

"Look," she said, "I've always dreamed about having something that goes from like 0 to 200 in 4 seconds. And my birthday is coming up.  You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home next Monday.  Due to the condition of the body, this will be a closed casket service.

In lieu of flowers, please send a donation to the "Think before you give things to your wife foundation."

 

A man enters the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession.  I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven.  Go out and say three Hail Mary's."  

Soon after, another man enters the confessional.
"Father, it has been two months since my last confession.  I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks,"Who is Nookie Green?"  

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.  

"Very well, " sighs the priest.  "Go and say ten Hail Marys."  

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall woman enters the sanctuary.  All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest.  Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.  The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart.  

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispered, "Is that Nookie Green?"

 The bug-eyed altar boy replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

 

 

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.   The toy
>laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at The
>Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
>The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
>The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant
>about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the
>whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men
>march down to he factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up
>that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
>really beginning to pile up.
> >At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of
>Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
>small
>marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,
>wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
>between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics
>he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm  sorry," he says to
>her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the
>instructions I gave you yesterday........"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

Subject: cab drivers


A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and
all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?"
 
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the
truth? They 're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, still glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those
women have?"

"Most of them become cab drivers," she replied


Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong- 



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out.  But I can usually shut her up with cookies.

 -A lot of women-

  

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)- 


I refuse to think of them as chin hairs.  I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber- 
  

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

 

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-

  

Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-

  

My second favorite household chore is ironing.  My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

  

Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-

  

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.  A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-

  

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.

-Jane Sellman-

  

Every time I close the door on reality,! it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

  

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good.  Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

  

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-

  

I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

  

If you can't be a good example - - then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine-

  

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss.  And they called ME slow!

-Kathy Buckley-

  

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-< SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 10.5pt; COLOR: purple; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial">

  

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-

 

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

  

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country..

-Elayne Boosler-

  

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man.  If you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

  

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinem-




I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

 

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-
 

I went to the store the other day and I was in there for only about 5
> minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a
> parking ticket.
>
> So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about
> giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
>
> So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started
> writing another ticket for having worn tires!
>
> So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket
> and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
> third ticket!
>
> This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more
> tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
> I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
>


  "The Two Blind Pilots"
 
  > >Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing
  > >
  > >dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his
way
  > >
  > >along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the
cabin,
  > >
  > >but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start
up.
  > >
  > >The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
  > >
  > >that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The
plane
  > >
  > >moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the
  > >
  > >window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge
  > >
  > >of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will
  > >
  > >plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
  > >
  > >At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers
  > >
  > >relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
  > >
  > >magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In
  > >
  > >the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You
  > >
  > >know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
  > >
  > >all gonna die."
  >

 

Subject: Never question a drunk


Why you never question a drunk!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the
items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated, "You must be single"

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was
indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw
nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped
off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you
know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly"

 

 
Women's Ass Size Study

There is a new study out about women and
how they feel about their asses!
    
The results of this study are pretty interesting:

    a.. 85% of women think their ass is too big...
   
    b.. 10% of women think their ass is too little...
    
    c.. The other 5% say that they don't care,
        they love him, he's a good man,
        and they would have married him anyway.
 

 

Rodney Dangerfield Classics

I Get no respect, no respect at all!


 
My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

 
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.

 
One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

 
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I
don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

 
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

 
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

 
I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

 
I'm a bad lover.  Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

 
Last night my wife met me at the front door.  She was wearing a sexy
negligee.  The only trouble was, she was coming home.

 
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!

 
A hooker once told me she had a headache.

 
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

 
I went to see my doctor... .I told him once,
"Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like
throwing up.  What's wrong with me?  He said, "I don't know, but your
eyesight is perfect."
.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd
like a second opinion."  He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

 
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

 
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
guys laughing at me.

 
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger
to my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

 
I Get no respect, no respect at all!



A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, Hey, you
wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says,
before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - given that you
are blind
- that you should know five things :
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 120 kg blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister - do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
Nah ..not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

The Wedding Test

 My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to
get married.  My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.

 My girlfriend?  She was a dream!  There was only one thing bothering
me. That one thing was her younger sister.

 My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses.  She would regularly bend down when
near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.  It had to be
deliberate.  She never did it when she was near anyone else.

 One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings
and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want
to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

 I was in total shock and could not say a word.

 She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go
ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  When she
reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front
door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight
toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.  With tears in his eyes,
he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. 
Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is.....

 Always keep your condoms in your car.


 

 

 

>  It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping
>the
>  bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
>stuff.
>
>  As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
>hypnotists who
>  invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I
>  intend to hypnotize each and every member of  this audience."
>
>  The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
>antique
>  pocket  watch from his coat.
>  "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
>special watch.
>   It has been in my family for six generations."
>
>  Then he began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
>  chanting,  "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ."
>   The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed
>  back and forth, light  gleaming off its polished surface.
>
>  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it
>  slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
>into a hundred pieces.
>
>  "Shit!" said the hypnotist.
>
>  It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

Rough Landings

The following purports to be a true story -- it's quite incredible!!  Enjoy!!   Jan

Subj: Fw: Forensic Science Date: 1/23/2004 9:54:20 PM Eastern Standard Time From:
josediz@comcast.net To: Undisclosed-Recipient:; Sent from the Internet (Details)
Subject: forensic science
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide
. He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject "B."

When confronted with the murder charge the old man and his wife were both adamant and both said that they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, if the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.!
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus!!


Now comes the exquisite twist ----


Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus!!  He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window!!

The son had actually murdered himself so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide!!!


(A true story from Associated Press, Reported by Kurt Westervelt)

 

__________________
These have been around a few times, but they're still worth a chuckle.

 

In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes: "I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
 
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
 
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show
1,742 knots" (That's about 2004.658 mph)
 
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
--------------------------------------------------
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
 
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
-------------------------------------
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
 
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
 
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
 
The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
 
--------------------------------------------
When Hillary Clinton visited Iraq last month the Army Blackhawk helicopter used to transport the Senator was given the call sign "broomstick one". And they say the Army has no sense of humor!
 
-------------------------------------------------
 
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta
351:"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
 
-------------------------------------------------One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a MD80 landed. The MD80 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian intheMD80 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
 
Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with: "I made it out of MD80 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have enough parts for another one."
--------------------------------------------------
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
 
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
----------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
 
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
--------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 757 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
 
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
 
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant," and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
--------------------------------------------------
"Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
 
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
 
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?

 

 

Subject: Dopey and the Pope

                           Some jokes just have
                     to be passed along.......enjoy...

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are THE seven dwarfs,
they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey my
son,"says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in
Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the background
a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a
glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of
Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs
burst into laughter.
Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey
turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the
floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting....

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
 

 

Oh for a Cup of Irish Coffee...
An elderly Irish woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive ... "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.  "Not a chance," says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem." replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and then call me in a week to let me know how it worked out." A week later, Mrs. Murphy calls the doctor and he inquired as to how things went. "Oh, faith and bejaysus and begorrah, it was terrible, just terrible, doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, with a gleam in his eye and with his pants bulging fiercely!!! He swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was terrible!" "What was terrible?" said the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no, doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again."

 

 

The  Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. They set up their tent and are soon asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. "Tonto, look up at the  sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see  millions of stars, Kimosabe." What does that tell you?" asks The  Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there  are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of  planets. Astrologically it tells me that Saturn is in  Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful, and we are small  and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a  beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kimosabe."The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says," Someone has stolen our  tent."


 

 

HER DIARY  
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. 

We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. 

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. 
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. 
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. 
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. 
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. 
I can't explain his behavior. 
I don't know why he d idn't say I love you, too. 
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. 

He just sat there and watched T.V. 
He seemed distant and absent. 
Finally I decided to go to bed. 
About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. 
I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. 
I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. 
I don't know what to do. 
I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. 
My life is a disaster.
 
 
HIS DIARY

 

Today the Wings lost. 

At least I got laid.

 

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc...
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked
him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good,
he'll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and have sex with
them."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and turned to Little Johnny
to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said Johnny, "he plays for the Tigers but I was too embarrassed
 to say so".
 

Saddam's doctor called a meeting of all the Saddam look-alikes.
"Men, I've got some good news and I've got some bad news.
The good news is Saddam is still alive.
The bad news is he lost an arm

Sent: Monday, April 28, 2003 9:13 AM
Subject: F-14 Flying Experience


I found this pretty funny.  Hope you do too. From: "Crane, John (TPTNA)" Below is an article written by Rick Reilly for Sports Illustrated. He details  his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in an F-14 Tomcat.
Now  this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your
country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, and Tiger Woods to name a few.  If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity ....Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I  was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip Biff) King looks like,  triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the  other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly.  His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. "T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff." Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with as much thrust as weight. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No,"
Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."  The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Lead foot -- but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be
immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at  Six Flags over Hell. Only without rails, we did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound.  Sea was sky and sky was sea.Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns  at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me.And I egressed the bananas, I egressed the pizza from the night before,
and the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed.  I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out, twice. I was coated in sweat; At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me  like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw
down. I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's blackbook, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less money per year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week
later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he  and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it  on a patch for my flight suit. What is it? I asked.
 
 "Two Bags."
 

 
FBI COMPUTER SURVEILLENCE METHOD
 
In the continuing war on terrorism the FBI, in concert with the CIA, has developed new technology to quietly monitor one's every mouse move...  Check it out!

         
FBI Monitoring Method
 
 

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller,
pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well, that's great...just great...some asshole's got my pen."
 

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.  All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous engineering challenges for that kind of undertaking.   The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"  

 

 

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - (SO FAR)
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!" 
Are you ready? .. this is a beauty ...)
My stupid computer keeps saying', "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
 

 Thought it was the NBA.
                Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than
     500 employees and has the following statistics:
            29 have been accused of spousal abuse
             7 have been arrested for fraud
              19 have been accused of writing bad checks
            117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses
               3 have done time for assault
            71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
              14 have been arrested on drug related charges
              8 have been arrested for shoplifting
              21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
              84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
             Can you guess which organization this is?

            Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
The same group of Idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws
each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.


              You gotta pass this one on!


 

Subject: FW: Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead alligators. The shopkeeper watched in amazement when the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and shouted out in frustration, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


Sarah, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.  Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.  She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
 
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away.  He said nothing.
 
Later that evening, George, quietly parked his pickup in front of Sarah's house...............and he left it there all night.

 

Subject: Republican-Democrat

Subject: Father Daughter talk   One time there was a young teenage girl that was about to finish her year
of college. She considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and her
father was a rather staunch Republican. One day she was challenging her
father on his beliefs and his opposition to programs like welfare. He
stopped her and asked her how she was doing in school. She answered that she
had a 4.0 GPA but it was really tough. She had to study all the time, never
had time to go out and party and often went sleepless because all of the
studying. She didn't have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of all her studying. He then asked how her friend
Mary, that was attending the same college, was doing. She replied that she
was barely getting by. She had a 2.0 GPA, never studied. Was very popular on
campus and was at parties all the time. She often wouldn't show up for
classes because she was hung over. He then asked his daughter why she didn't
go to the Dean's office and ask why she couldn't take 1.0 off her 4.0 and
give it to her friend that only had a 2.0. That way they would both have a
3.0 GPA. She fired back and said "that wouldn't be fair, I worked really
hard for mine and my friend has done nothing". After a moment of silence,
she replied, "I guess I will never vote Democrat again".
 

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he
received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she
had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up
with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him.

So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around
to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could
find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the
following note:

"I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one
that belongs to you and send the rest back."
 

THE SHEPHERD AND HIS FLOCK A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the shepherd said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog.
 

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store  was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today? " The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How  much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
 

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to
temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite
ill."
 

One day a teacher read the story Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.  She read, "....  and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit!  A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes

OLD TOWN INDIANS
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their
new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an
Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the hell
the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he
replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and
that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an
idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the
Meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even
more wood in order to be prepared.
One week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it
going to be a very cold winter?" he asked.
"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going
to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect
every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are
you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It looks like it's going to be one
of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like
crazy."
 

   Here's one for you........................it's pretty cool. >
>     Apparently the owners of this house had been seeing images and hearing
>     voices for quite a while. They did some research and found that a lady
>     once lived in the house who lost her husband during the civil war.
>Legend  says that she used to sit at the table and look across the fields in
>     anticipation of her loved one returning home. He never came. So, they say she still waits.
>     They caught this photo (using digital imaging and sound) of what they
>     claim to be her. This one is wild and a little spooky once you find the ghost in
>     the picture.  It took me about 30  seconds to find it, but when you do, it
>     just stands out. Like one of those optical illusions.  To save you some
>     time, concentrate around the table and sort of towards the window.
>     You might not see it at first, so let your eyes adjust to the picture for up to a minute. Also, if you
>     have volume, turn it up as you can hear some faint murmurings which they
>     say is the ghost talking. Open the following link for the picture.
>     http://home.attbi.com/~n9ivo/whatswrong.swf
>     this is really cool........
 

 The old Cherokee chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking the ceremonial pipe, eyeing the
US government officials sent to interview him.
"Chief Two Eagles"  one official began, "you have observed
the white man for 90 years. You have observed his wars and his material
wealth. You have seen his progress and the damage he has done."
The Chief nodded that it was so. The official continued, "Considering
all these events, in your opinion,  where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute, and
then calmly replied,
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes. No debt. Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver.
Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing, all night screwing women."
The Chief leaned back and smiled, "White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

 

Donkey Humor
> A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old
> farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The
> next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some Bad
> News, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money
> back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
> Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked,
> "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off ."
> Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch
> me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up
> with Kenny and asked, "What happened With that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I
> raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a
> profit of $898." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy
> who won. So I gave him his two dollars back." Kenny grew up and eventually
> became the chairman of Enron.    
 

 

 

 

 If you bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49. If you bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the
stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the
dime deposit, you would have $158.
My advice:  start drinking heavily.

Imagine that you are a pilot in the African bush.   You fly in some critical medical supplies and enjoy a quick lunch at the hospital. You are in a hurry to get to your next appointment. You return to your plane to find that the only piece of shade around has
become verrrryyy popular in your absence... You start calculating the distance to
the plane door...

For 7th Batt man

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
 After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum
wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you
a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed. Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at
100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up
truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance  plan to fit his new  circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!" "Why of course, I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!" the man said.
 Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your
 life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become
a millionaire.
3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to
becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been
taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.


Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you"?  Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.  God said he would make Adam a companion and would call it woman.God said;
1.  This person will cook for you,wash your clothes and agree with every decision that you make.
2.  She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
3.  She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
4.  She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost ?"
God answered, " An arm and a leg."
Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

Subject:  Flight Attendants
> >
 Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make
the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other
 announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
 real examples that have been heard or reported:

 1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50
 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
 of this airplane."

 2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude
 now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off.
 Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay
 inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside,
 and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
 pattern."

 3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business
 Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
 much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

 4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
 Washington National, a lone voice came over the
 loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

 5. After a particularly rough landing during
 thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
 Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when
 opening the overhead compartments because, after a
 landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

 6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
 Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
 insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
 works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't
 know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out
 in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of
 cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the
 ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
 your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
 secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
 are traveling with two small children, decide now which
 one you love more."

 7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
 broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before
 we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or
 your money more than Southwest Airlines."

 8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the
 event of an emergency water landing, please take them
 with our compliments."

 9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather
 all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be
 distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
 do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

 11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are
 pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in
 the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this
 flight."

 12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight
 into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
 day. During the final approach, the captain was really
 having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
 flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
 and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
 your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
 captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

 13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
 perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as
 Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

 14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
 flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really
 hard. The airline had a policy which required the first
 officer to stand at the door while the passengers
 exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ
 airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he
 had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
 thinking that someone would have a smart comment. 
 Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little
 old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we
 land or were we shot down?"

 15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
 flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
 Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a
 screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire
 smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
 we'll open the door and you can pick your way through
 the wreckage to the terminal."

 16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival
 announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying
 with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
 metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US
 Airways."

Writings on the bathroom wall.

1. Friends don't let friends take home ugly men! ---Women's restroom,
Starboard, Dewey Beach,  DE
2. She offered her honor; he honored her offer.  So all through the night
it was honor and offer. ---On the bathroom wall  at Bellarmine College, Lou,
KY.
4. Beauty is only a light switch away. ---Perkins Library. Duke University.
Durham, North Carolina.
5.If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all
get wasted together and have the time of our lives. ---Armand's Pizza.
Washington, DC
6.No matter how good she looks, some other guy is  sick and tired of
putting up with her.---Men's Room,  Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North
Carolina.
7.It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ---Written
in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.
8.Make love, not war. - Hey, do both, get married! ---Women's restroom, The
Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
9.Watch out for Gay Limbo  Dancers ---Inside toilet stall door, Men's
restroom, Country Club, San  Francisco.
10. Express Lane: Five beers or less---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed
Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.
11.No wonder you always go home alone. ---Sign over mirror in Men's
Restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic.
Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and
golfs all day long.
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course.
It's raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and
the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From
there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts
his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed
where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there
is terrible."
She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"



Subject:  Fwd: real blonde?A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000. The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan,
so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it. Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest,
which comes to $15.41. As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer
says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Is It Better To Be a Jock or a Nerd?

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.


Subject: ticket


A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following
exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's
card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.  The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure.  Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun
in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a
body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told
him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b.  told you I was speeding, too.

 

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One
afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the
first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the
horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing.
Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and,
sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the Priest before the next race.
Again, the Priest went to the stables and blessed
another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that
horse and won close to fifty bucks! The Priest kept
blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and
they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie
saw the Priest with that horse, also! He quickly went
to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000,
went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving
a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and
Charlie was dead broke! He couldn't believe what
happened so he went looking for the Priest.
He found the man and asked, "What happened to that last horse you
blessed?
Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!" The
Priest said "That's the trouble with you Protestants, you can't tell
the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites!
 > > > >>
Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?" Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now." Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes
wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right." Tiger says, "You play golf?" Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years." Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?" Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when
I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his voice." "But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his voice." Woods asks, "What's your handicap?" Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer." Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."