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Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk. ~Grantland Rice

Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.. ~John Updike

It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. ~Robert Lynd

If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is. ~Horace G. Hutchinson

They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. ~Gardner Dickinson

I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies. ~Will Rogers

If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. ~Sam Snead

Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. ~William Wordsworth

What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive. ~Arnold Palmer

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. ~Phyllis Diller

Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour. ~Author Unknown

If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. ~National Lampoon

The sport of choice for the urban poor is basketball. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling. The sport of choice for front-line workers is football. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball. The sport of choice for middle management is tennis. The sport of choice for corporate officers is golf. Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. ~Author Unknown

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. ~Dean Martin

Golf is a good walk spoiled. ~Mark Twain

I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. ~G.K. Chesterton

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~Tommy Bolt

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one. ~Author Unknown

When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit. ~Author Unknown

I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. ~Author Unknown

I've spent most of my life golfing... the rest I've just wasted. ~Author Unknown

They call it golf because all the other four-letter words were taken. ~Raymond Floyd

My handicap? Woods and irons. ~Chris Codiroli

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flagstick on top.. ~Pete Dye

Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun. ~Jim Bishop

I'm hitting the woods just great... but having a terrible time getting out of them! ~Author Unknown

I know I am getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators. ~Gerald Ford

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course. ~Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five. ~Paul Harvey

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. ~Tiger Woods

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green. ~Ernest Hemingway

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air. ~Jack Benny

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards? ~Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. ~Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing. ~Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end. ~Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. ~Jack Lemmon

I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. ~Joe E. Lewis

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. ~Mark Twain

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. ~Harry Vardon

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose. ~Woodrow Wilson

A golfer's diet: live on greens as much as possible. ~Author Unknown

Gone golfin'... be back dark thirty. ~Author Unknown

Born to golf. Forced to work. ~Author Unknown

My body is here, but my mind has already teed off. ~Author Unknown

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~Jimmy DeMaret

May thy ball lie in green pastures... and not in still waters. ~Author Unknown

If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~Author Unknown

The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. ~George Deukmejian

Subject: Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf is Better than Sex:

"Top Ten Best Golf Caddie Remarks"

Letterman's Top Ten Reasons why Golf is Better than Sex:

#10 - A below par performance is considered damn good.
# 9   - You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
# 8   - It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
# 7   - Foursomes are encouraged.
# 6   - You can still make money doing it as a senior.
# 5   - Three times a day is possible.
# 4   - Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
# 3   - If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
# 2   - You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

..............and the # 1 reason why Golf is better than Sex....

If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it

#10 Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2 Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."